Did I Ever Tell Ya the Story . . .

“So, jest how long is this Appalacian Trail, anyhow? I’m gettin’ hungry.”

"Hungry already! We only been hikin’ fer an hour!”

“Whatcha got in that knapsack a’ yours?”

“Got some Tarnation breakfast bars.”

“Did I ever tell ya the story of how, years ago, I aimed to improve on those Tarnation bars by inventin’ the first granola bars? I shur loved the convenience a’ breakfast bars, but needed some dang variety! So when I seen me an ad for a recipe contest, I doctored up Ma’s oatmeal raisin cookie recipe into bars, adding a drop of Vermont maple syrup for authentic breakfast-y flavor, a’ course.”

“So, you won yourself the recipe contest, did ya?”

“Nope! And what’s worse, come to find out, I ding-danged signed away the rights to my recipe by entering the contest in the first place! Never saw a nickel fer my efforts.”

“Nowadays there’s aisles ‘n’ aisles of granola bars in every grocery store in America."

“Yeah, well, don’t I know it. So, jest keep your stinkin' Tarnation bars. Somehow, I’m not so hungry all of a sudden. Got anything to drink in that there knapsack?”

“Just some bottles of Slake water.”

“Did I ever tell ya the story of how Pa invented bottled water, but done got cheated out of making his fortune? For years and years, he was the one to go way out to the flowing well to fill pint dairy bottles on those hot Fourth of July celebration days. Then he’d come back inta town and ever'body’d gather ‘round and he’d hand out them bottles t' anyone cravin’ a sweet sip of cool spring water.”

“So, jest how’d he miss out on his fortune?”

“Seems one summer Pa was feelin’ poorly. Jest the chance sneaky Ol’ Jake Slake was awaitin’ for! Jake hightailed it out to the flowing well alright, but he did not pass out the water for free to the thirsty townsfolk, no siree! He charged two cents per - three cents if’n’ his ol’ lady added a drop of flavoring to it! The kids’d go crazy for it!”

“Sounds like Ol’ Jake had the market cornered!”

“From that summer on, he shur ‘nuf did!”

“Whatever happened to Ol’ Jake?”

“The Mega-Giant-Ultra Foods Corporation eventually came ‘round, sniffin’. Jake sold ‘em the Slake brand for a nice tidy sum. Then he up and died of a heart attack, but don’t you jest know how it goes sometimes. His wife and his lazy-bones kids inherited ever'thing and are probly sittin’ purty right now on their own tropical island, or some such place! Somehow this Slake water don’t taste so good right now . . . “

“Yeah, I know watcha mean . . . So, I suppose now yer goin’ to tell me how yer Ma invented somethin’?”

“Yup, let me tell ya the story. Along with Granny’s help, they was the first t' ever splash clever sayings right across the front of a T-shirt - they both always was good with words. But ya see, the idear took off so fast - ever'body started doin' it - they never had a real chance a' cashin' in. Nowadays, it's a standard way a' gettin' a message across. But if Ma ‘n’ Granny coulda peeked into the future 'n' seen that somebody woulda ever made a T-shirt proclaimin’ Jesus Loves the Hell Outta Me, they might never a' got started in the first place.”

“What about yer Grandpap? Invent anythin' earth-shatterin’?”

“Nope, Grandpap never did go in for innovation. Fact is, rumor has it, he was the very last man 'round these parts ever t' wear knee britches.”