Naked Mother Theresa Chip / Game Feast Fridays @ PETA / Bill Maher NOT Bill Maher?

Leeds, England – Restaurateur finds naked Mother Theresa chip

A Leeds restaurant owner discovered a chip in his kitchen which resembled a nude Mother Theresa, with one twist…the chip has a penis. When news leaked to The Vatican that the chip was placed on Ebay for sale, the Holy See issued a cease and desist order, demanding the chip be removed from the Internet under threat of excommunication. A Vatican spokesperson stated the entire incident could have been avoided had the Mother Theresa chip been anatomically correct. When asked for his thoughts on the matter, the Pope, who was out walking in the woods, said "poop".

Los Angeles, CA – Bill Maher admits he’s not Bill Maher

Talk show host and political pundit Bill Maher issued a statement Thursday that his real name is not Bill Maher, but Lane Maher, Bill Maher’s twin brother. Lane, a former strip club DJ and one-time psychiatric patient at the McLean Hospital in Belmont, Massachusetts, said he’s been masquerading as his brother Bill since the debut of Politically Incorrect on Comedy Central in 1993. Lane went on to say that his brother – the real Bill Maher – is a member of the Roman Catholic missionary organization, White Fathers, which is based in Africa, and has taken a strict vow of silence for the last 10 years. When tracked down for his reaction to his brother Lane’s revelation, Bill replied, “It’s true. I’ve been sil…sonofabitch!”

Norfolk, Virginia – PETA holds “Casual Fridays” featuring wild game feast buffet

Ingrid Newkirk, international president of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) stated the alarmingly decreasing numbers of vegan staff members has prompted her to institute a “casual Fridays” at PETA headquarters, whereby a catered wild game feast buffet featuring venison, rabbit and wild pheasant is provided at lunch to give staffers a break from eating vegetables, tofu and imitation brats and hamburgers. One staff member quipped, “You know I never thought I’d say this but even the rabbit tastes like chicken.”

- Special thanks to Richard Le Breton

Beard Competitor Found Cheating

Arthur Stubble was found cheating during a local "No-shave-November" contest in which the contestants attempt to outgrow each other's beards.  

Stubble's wife, who dislikes the competition, found him applying a hair-growing serum to his face.  "I just couldn't stand it anymore," she said.  "Just growing a beard was bad enough, but cheating?  That was just too barbaric."  

The serum was created by research scientist Austin Chin, who claims that his serum was only meant to enable men to grow beards who weren't able to before.  "I had no idea that it could be used to cheat somehow," he said.  

Stubble was disqualified, but the competition was hairy.  Hans Whiskers was declared the winner.  "I won by the breadth of a hair," he said.  "It was a really close shave." Photographs of the winners can be found online here.

Editor's Note: All characters in this article are fictitious, as is the competition in "No-Shave-November."  The World Beard and Moustache Competition and "No-Shave-November" itself are real.

New Years Polenta Assault

The traditional New Years day Polenta dinner at the Calzone family turned into a meatball massacre, when a careless guest tried to spear a meatball from the center of the Polenta board.
Not having been educated in the proper rules of Polenta board etiquette, Ms Smith, of Parma, unwittingly committed the ultimate faus pas. After consuming the meatball in front of her, she casually reached for another which rested approximately one foot toward the center of the board. Any Italian knows that one must eat their way to the next meatball, never reaching across the Polenta for one.


From out of nowhere Papa Calzone sprang at her with a fork, in an attempt, to teach her the finer points of Italian tradition. Narrowly missing her hand, he harpooned the meatball to the Polenta board. Chaos ensued. Needless to say, the hapless guest, headed for the nearest exit.


When asked why she did not call 911 regarding the assault, she simply said, "I've seen all the Godfather movies and have no desire to wake up one morning with a bloody meatball under my sheets!"

Sad Play Causes Big Stink Among Elderly

Diapers were flying last Tuesday evening during Detroit's 5th annual "Play In The Dark", put on by Whimsey Bros. playhouse. The debut show, "Two Silk Scarves and a Woolen Mitten" by proctologist turned playwright Morgan Tweedling opened to a full house, but all quickly turned to mayhem as the elderly demographic in the audience "commenced to rip bits of diaper from their bundled rears and sop up their wet faces," Tweedling reported.
As 74 year old Dorothia Wunderlich put it, "The tears were streaming. 'Two Silk Scarves' was reminiscent of my childhood days. We found no tissues, so we reached down at our asses."
Tweedling's concerns went beyond a mismanaged play. "It extends deep. I guess my heart is still in proctology because my frustration lies in the thought of raw torn diaper rubbing against the thin and mottled skin of those aged rectums. Not to mention the diaper-to-face "shit-eye" some of them must have contracted. But that's for an optometrist."
Detroit clean-up crews worked overnight and well into Wednesday, mopping up the proverbial shitstorm.

Pohling Pulls Plug on Online Poll

“I just wanted it to stop! It was fun for years and years, then one day I realized I had an endless loop of the grainy video tape playing in my head over and over and over,” Mitchell Pohling reflected. “I remembered that The Neverending Story was written by Michael Ende, so I wondered, what if he changed the last letter of his last name from ‘e’ to ‘s’? You know, set up a vibrational pattern allowing at least the possibility of a conclusion. The Neverending Story Ends. So, yeah, I set up the online poll, you know, to see how the public might feel about it. The results were surprising. I never meant to deceive anyone, though. When I found out that Ende died way back in 1995, I pulled the plug on the poll right away. It’s just too late. A posthumous name-change is never gonna happen.”

Pohling, ever-ready to share his opinion, is a certified survey addict. Hoping for telemarketers, he keeps the phone line clear during the dinner hour, seeks out clipboard-totin' aggressive types at the mall, and dreams of someday joining the Gallup guard. An election year is pure heaven.

“Oh yeah, and another thing,” Pohling added. “Seems Michael Ende had some interesting ideas of looking at the world, money-wise, that is. How about The Neverending Prosperity? Would that be a story to see again and again? Vote 'Yes' or 'No' on my new online poll . . ."

Jello 1-2-3 Causes Riot

The Higgledy-Piggledy Market of Macon, GA saw a near riot last week when the last known case of Jello 1-2-3 was spotted on a stocker’s pallet in Aisle Eight. Jostling for position, Wanda Stephens called out, “I’ll buy the whole case, y'all – I saw it first!” She was soon outmaneuvered ‘quicker than a 1-2-3’ by Kimmy Potter who waxed nostalgic as she elbowed Wanda aside, “My Mom always made this for me – it was my favorite!” Within minutes security personnel responded, dispersing the clamorous crowd.

Made popular in the ‘70s and edged off grocery shelves in '96, Jello 1-2-3 was a fun dessert snack that separated into three layers upon setting, the topmost layer pure fluff. This reporter remembers her sister surviving on the stuff during a bout with mono in ‘72. A Boomer-groundswell of support for this triple-treat may see a ‘new and improved’ version before year’s end.

Manager Floyd Beckheiser, seen hugging the case of 24 on the way to the safe, bragged, “This is pure gold! We’ll be posting this baby on Ebay!” Early estimates suggest the bidding will far exceed the symbolic opening price of $1.23.

Writer Bite: Julie Andrews Collection

At the present time The Julie Andrews Collection is mainly interested in middle grade chapter books and young adult novels. Manuscript submission info is found at . . .

http://www.harperchildrens.com/julieandrews/catalog/moreinfo.asp

Writer Bite: Work for Smithmag!

Editorial Internship available at Smithmag - home of the famous six-word memoirs!

http://www.smithmag.net/editorial-internship/

Writer Bite : Get out your forks!

Hello again...look to the previous post below for the new assignment due Friday November 14th.

I'm going to start something called "writer bites" that we can all take part in. The concept is that of sharing writing or writer related tips, techniques, contests, etc. For instance, if I came across a poetry contest and thought you might want to participate then I would title it Writer Bite: Christmas Poetry Contest...just so everyone would know what it pertained to. Does this sound ok with you all? If you have a better idea, then pa leez suggest it! We can add a new writer bite at any time, and as often as we'd like. They can also be book reviews! Or author highlights...or secrets in the publishing world. Whatever you find interesting, or what you think might be essential info for us all to know.

Here is the first writer bite for DP:

The NanoWrimo Competition started November 1st, but you can still participate if you want to! This is a free 'competition' for the month of November only. NanoWrimo stands for National Novel Writing Month...

If you're thinking, "What? Write a novel in one month?"

To that I say, "Sure, why not?"

Check out the site if you're interested. The idea is to write 50,000 words by November 30th at midnight. There are no prizes awarded, other than the gratification of having committed to such a worthy project. And note: this is meant to be a FUN thing, and in no way should you edit your writing as you go...just write and let your imagination take you away. Do not critique yourself, leave that for the month of December. Create an outline first if you want to, to help create a foundation...but other than that leave it up to your muses to guide you. You can write fiction, non-fiction, sci-fi, humor, abstract...it doesn't matter. It's mainly to help develop your writing muscle, and meet deadlines.

If the site is down, keep trying. There must be a ton of participants this year...which is exciting! There have been authors with books eventually published from things they'd written during the Nano project. Like the book, "When Elephants Weep". Sign up, create an account...this is going to be fun!

http://www.nanowrimo.org/

This Just In: Newest DP Assignment !

Hello friends ... family,
Our next assignment should utilize humor. If you don't want yours to be funny then it can be serious. No worries.
Take a topic from your imagination and create a news article about it. Write the headline, and the body of the article. It doesn't have to be long, as a matter of fact, this assignment can be completely up to you as far as how much you write. You can write one, or ten funny headlines if you want - and leave out the body of the article entirely. Or you can write one long and serious article...whatever goes, goes. Here is an example of one I wrote the other day. Please bear with me! LOL. Inspired by the kind of writing done for The Onion. Visit their site if you want to search the archives of articles they have:
http://www.theonion.com/content/archives/30/838872000/1225512000


Wiccan Landlord Accepts Only Moon Purified Rent Money

Several tenants of an East Chicago duplex have reported that their landlady has not been accepting checks or money orders now that she has become a Wiccan. The Illinois native, Kattie 'Crowfeather' Willemson, claims she can't process them because her bank sits in a 'cosmically congested' part of town. As of three months ago, she accepts cash only - as long as it's been purified by the moon. Community college student Chad McGibbons says "It's frustrating...so many of us are students. We've got jobs, exams, families and friends. I don't know about the phases of the moon and if it's 9% crescent." Willemson has reserved her garden, named Gaia, for the tenants to perform the ritual. "I think it's weird," McGibbons told reporters. "My friend's think I'm nuts to actually follow along...but I gotta say the apartment is really nice. And Miss Willemson makes a mean cabbage soup."