Homeless Beavers / Indian Blue Water / Clarence Thomas Speaks

Just a few more days and it's on to a new topic. Thought I'd give'r one lost college try. If you have any more "stories" to add, now's the time.

Madison, Wisconsin - Homeless beavers to get room and board in governor’s mansion

A family of homeless Vietnamese Hmongs in Steven’s Point took up residence in what was thought to be an abandoned beaver hut. Upon the beaver’s return to their home, Wisconsin Governor Jim Doyle requested the DNR place the beaver family in the Joseph McCarthy guest room of the governor’s mansion until the Hmong family can build their own hut.

New Delhi, India – Purple water in India makes crowd green with envy.

(Crowd noise.) "AHHH! Oh -look at the pretty colors! AHHH!" In their efforts to quell an unruly mob in New Delhi, the Indian Police (IP) turned water cannons on a crowd of protesters using purple-colored water instead of regular water, while synchronizing their water blasting to Jimi Hendrix’s “Purple Haze”. Previous testing in prison holding cells had shown that the use of colored water makes prisoners more docile, thus, easier to subdue.

Washington, DC - Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas still can’t speak

Justice Clarence Thomas, who has failed to utter a single word from the bench since February 22, 2006, revealed he has a rare disease whereby nodes have formed on his vocal chords and larynx, rendering him unable to speak. When asked why he didn’t make this information public two years ago, Justice Thomas wrote on a legal pad, I COULDN’T TALK AND NO ONE ASKED ME. He was then asked why he didn’t utilize paper and pen earlier. Justice Thomas wrote, I DIDN’T THINK OF THAT.

Gene Mix Up

Genetic engineers working at a high security lab in Geneva today admitted a
mix up of DNA between two donor cultures.
Dr. Herman Xerbothe, noted Nobel prize winner in 1996, admitted that
two distinctly separate vials of DNA from deceased donor, became inexplicably merged under bizarre circumstances.

"I didn't recognize it at first, but the donors samples were from the same Nationality.
Diametrically opposed philosophies at their base level, left alone, it presented a strange
attraction. The vials were in cryogenic suspension in separate buildings, but one one fateful
day, each vial was pulled and a small sample was taken to be rendered at just above the
freezing point of water."

Neither team of researchers knew of the others sampling proceedure.
The lab booths were some 300 meters apart from one another.

Xerbothe continues., "There was some decorum for the sample study on this date
pertaining to certain possible spectral characteristics of the DNA. Light analysis is becoming
more stylish at the cellular level as of late. Records illustrate that both samples were pulsed
by wide spectrum light at around noon of that day."

The question of how both samples appeared on the same lunch cart a half an hour later is
left unanswerable by both lab chiefs and food service.

"It's like the Manhattan Project losing a pound of Plutonium in a salad bar somewhere in
Los Angeles.", Commented Dept. of Death specialist for the NSA, Steven Bag.

Regardless, the event occurred and the vials, one lettered (E), the other (H), didn't simply
continue forward in isolated proximity.

Xerbothe., "At some point the vials were mistaken for salad dressings and added to the
salad of Kurt Russell, actor, who was visiting his daughter, an employee of this
laboratory. It went unoticed for weeks. The lab techs simply reaquired more samples
and went forward with a new set of analysis."

It wasn't until Kurt began experiencing incredible night visions of appocolyptic magnitude,
that an effort was made to trace the source of the problem.

"Look, we simply brought him in here and sat him down. It was very awful, the most awful
day I can remember. But, you try to explain that you have been made host to the raw
genetic matter of Albert Einstein and Adolf Hitler. Kurt just had a complete shit-fit.
So aloof from the Semitic and Anti-Semitic issues from the past, he was simply floored."

"God-damn, I've always prided myself on my detachment of politics and philosophy,
how in creation did I get cooked up together with these two extreme polarities?',"
Kurt explained.

His daughter, who has since resigned in disgust, claims that mankind has become the
penultimate tool.

Kurt, who has moved forward, reflects that this has become a useful asset to his
eccelectic acting career.

The Geneva Genetics Lab has been as of late, partying hot spots for
the likes of David Hasselhoff and Paris Hilton.

This is the BBC, London.

BOTOX patients on the decline

Medical doctors reported yesterday an over-all average drop in Botox treatments world wide.
"This is surprising," says plastic surgeon/dermatologist Micky Poresy, "because just a few years ago I had a waiting list of women craving the live strains of the botulism bacteria injected directly into their faces to combat wrinkles. Its been quite a shocker for me to find my waiting room half-empty."
"You should see all the Botulism vials I have in backstock!" said another noted New York dermatologist Hinkle Rider
Many doctors think the bad economy is the main factor at play, but further research is being done on why women's interest is waning.

Peter's Pickled Peppers

Madame Pfeiffer pickled a peck of pickled peppers with her son Peter last week.
"I taught Peter how to pickle a peck of peppers over his fall break. It was something we could do together."
She went on to explain that when Peter got home from school the following week, he wanted help writing a 'what I did over fall break' essay for his English composition class. She suggested he write it on his pickling peppers experience.
"But I didn't know his teacher would call the house charging my son with forgery," she said.
Mrs. Popsdale, 7th grade English composition teacher wanted that Peter bring in a peck of his pickled peppers as proof.
"She saw the jar of pickled peppers," said Peter,"and almost choked. It was like she totally forgot that people actually pickle peppers anymore."
He said she proceeded to open the jar to try the peppers, licking her fingers, and announcing to the class that 'Peter's pickled peppers were pickled to perfection.'
He got an A.

Hai-Poo Movement Gains Turf

A rare glimpse into the inner workings of Ditalini Press was observed at an afternoon gala held at the Historic Peabody House. The gathering did double-duty as the newly published first-in-a-series Hai-Poo: Hidden Gems was celebrated and the monthly workshop Hai-Poo: Let’s Get Going was inaugurated. The library conference space was figuratively likened unto a water closet, as modern-day 'Hai-Poo Movement' founder K.Grace addressed the curiosity seekers. "Hai-poo can be no less described as a phenomenon. Take the two most fascinating subjects: poetry and poop, and watch as they elevate one another to new heights.”

Hai-Poo has recently re-emerged as a viable art form. The first Hai-Poo is feared forever lost, but other fragments have been found in diverse pockets of heretofore unexplored terrain.

K.Grace is the world’s undisputed H’Poo Master, humbly proferring a wealth of well-rounded knowledge. "Hai-Poo is a specialized form of poetry that stems from unknown origins. Haiku, we know, can be dated back ten centuries. And poop . . . well, do we need a time line? It's as ancient as the sun. Hai-Poo may seem new, but it's timeless: a celebration of life, words and wisdom." She put forth a Hai-Poo sample -

don't shake his left hand
do you not see it is brown?
he had no paper

As they spiraled with initial tentative phrasing, Number 2 pencils in hand and Sani-Wipes at the ready, K.Grace exhorted her new crop of cohorts, “When properly marinated, the melding of poop and haiku is seamless . . . full of life . . . and fun for all ages!"

Aunt Sue, warming to her role as co-facilitator, spoke next. “I’d like to offer just one specimen of a dozen Hai-Poo I have under my belt to date. Whether or not I’ll produce another is anyone’s guess.”

ice cream indulgence
buff basinscape rendezvous
freshly pebbled path

“Where do you get your inspiration?” Henry 'Hank' Jamison called out.

Aunt Sue responded, “For me, the word Hai-Poo itself inspires, invites, even insists on jargonistic double-speak. After incorporating the 5-7-5 challenge, I sit back and let nature take its course.”

K.Grace nodded knowingly. “I believe there is a Hai-Poo Muse who moves in and out of the trees of the mind, usually just out of reach. But every now and then she comes near and sings a beautiful melody."

Sally Wharton looked strained. “I wonder how often I’ll get the urge to write Hai-Poo. . . if ever?”

“When it comes to this style of poetry, K.Grace is the only one I know who has achieved any sort of regularity. She has more entries in Hai-Poo: Hidden Gems than any of us, but we are all contributors,” Aunt Sue beamed, looking proudly to the other members of Ditalini Press. Then picking up poncho and pocketbook, she left abruptly, stating simply, “I gotta go.”

“A ‘pressing matter’, no doubt,” cracked flush-faced attendee Ron Smolders. “Hey, that just popped – I mean ‘plopped’ - into my head! Am I getting the hang of this or what!”

At day’s end, K.Grace reminded everyone, "Hai-Poo can be quite enigmatic. At times it flows forth as easy as a river . . . but some days it can be puzzling to write.” The idea is to gently keep pushing until achieving the desired outcome.

One participant summed up the workshop experience neatly, “It’s been like a breath of fresh air!”

Note: All love and thanks to K.Grace for collaboration on this bit of silliness!

Nintendo Fans Skeptical of "New Look" Mario

Washington (DP) -- With anticipation rising for the next generation Wii console, Nintendo fans got an unexpected first glimpse of what is in store for the beloved Mario character. In a leaked photo that has generated much interest among internet gaming sites, fans can see a Mario that has been given more detail than ever before.

With this new iteration of Mario, he sports the same trademark red hat with an "M" on it, brown hair, black moustache, and an abnormally large and bulbous nose. Mario's basic appearance has changed little over the years. What has changed is the attention to detail, and the designers at Nintendo making Mario look more like a human and less like a cartoon.

The reaction has not been very positive among the Nintendo faithful. "To be honest, it kind of creeps me out. When I first saw it, I peed a little" said longtime Nintendo fan boy Ryan Simpson of Bellevue, Washington. Sarah Shepherd, a long time Mario fan from Renton, Washington stated, “I have played Mario games since the first Super Mario Bros. for the NES and after seeing this picture I am afraid this will haunt my nightmares for the rest of my life.”

The Mario character was created by legendary game designer Shigeru Miyamoto. As Nintendo's long time mascot, Mario has appeared in more than 200 video games since his inception. In 1981, Mario first appeared in the arcade game Donkey Kong as a carpenter named "Jumpman" according to Nintendo of America. In Japan, he was known as "Mr. Video Game". Mario is depicted as a short, pudgy, Italian plumber who lives in the Mushroom Kingdom, where he is regarded as a hero; he is best known for constantly trying to rescue Princess Peach from the evil clutches of King Bowser.

Mario has gone through many transformations over the years, most notably when he first entered into 3D gaming in Super Mario 64. The reaction at that time was well received by the public and Super Mario 64 is still hailed by many critics to be one of the greatest video game experiences of all time. Time will tell whether this latest Mario installment will grab the hearts and minds of the gaming community.

The still to be named next generation Wii style system will include many upgrades; including enhanced graphics presented in HD for the first time, and processing speeds surpassing those of the Playstation 3. "We wanted to take advantage of the power of the new system and give Mario a more realistic look." said Shigeru Miyamoto, creator of Mario. Asked if there was anything he would change about his new Mario, Miyamoto said, “No, but I did consider giving him some more ear hair. Miyamoto added, "If you think this is bad, just wait until you see what we did with Luigi."

Masochistic Rabbits Deem Animal-Friendly Companies "No Fair."

Perl Wimble, chief executive of the LabPox network of chemical corporations in the United States, has recently organized meetings with laboratory department managers to discuss how to handle an unusual flux in willing varmint participation. "We can only test so many animals at a time. We can't increase the number of holding cells and straps unless we hired on more testers, which requires a steady supply of new test market ingredients that we just don't have. The 'Green' movement has put our labs in a static state. We're turning hares away and they're mutilating themselves in protest." During Wimble's visit last week to the Memphis area labs he discovered rabbit skins strewn across the walkway where his employee's enter and leave the building. One witness claimed "[she] literally watched as the crazed rodents skinned each other with sharp rocks, and situated their skins in front of the lab entrance..." Another witness, Shiela McNickels who works two buildings down remembered distinctly "an eerily quiet morning and a hint of blood in the air."
Wimble has plans to develop a monitoring system that will help track, capture, and tranquilize these demented cottontails. "We're also meeting soon with a new pharmaceutical/makeup conglomerate. This would be a lucrative opportunity for us which would require massive animal testing to meet FDA requirements. It'll be great having these furry little punks at our disposal...and knowing they're getting a twisted pleasure out of it makes the work we do all that much more worthwhile."

Naked Mother Theresa Chip / Game Feast Fridays @ PETA / Bill Maher NOT Bill Maher?

Leeds, England – Restaurateur finds naked Mother Theresa chip

A Leeds restaurant owner discovered a chip in his kitchen which resembled a nude Mother Theresa, with one twist…the chip has a penis. When news leaked to The Vatican that the chip was placed on Ebay for sale, the Holy See issued a cease and desist order, demanding the chip be removed from the Internet under threat of excommunication. A Vatican spokesperson stated the entire incident could have been avoided had the Mother Theresa chip been anatomically correct. When asked for his thoughts on the matter, the Pope, who was out walking in the woods, said "poop".

Los Angeles, CA – Bill Maher admits he’s not Bill Maher

Talk show host and political pundit Bill Maher issued a statement Thursday that his real name is not Bill Maher, but Lane Maher, Bill Maher’s twin brother. Lane, a former strip club DJ and one-time psychiatric patient at the McLean Hospital in Belmont, Massachusetts, said he’s been masquerading as his brother Bill since the debut of Politically Incorrect on Comedy Central in 1993. Lane went on to say that his brother – the real Bill Maher – is a member of the Roman Catholic missionary organization, White Fathers, which is based in Africa, and has taken a strict vow of silence for the last 10 years. When tracked down for his reaction to his brother Lane’s revelation, Bill replied, “It’s true. I’ve been sil…sonofabitch!”

Norfolk, Virginia – PETA holds “Casual Fridays” featuring wild game feast buffet

Ingrid Newkirk, international president of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) stated the alarmingly decreasing numbers of vegan staff members has prompted her to institute a “casual Fridays” at PETA headquarters, whereby a catered wild game feast buffet featuring venison, rabbit and wild pheasant is provided at lunch to give staffers a break from eating vegetables, tofu and imitation brats and hamburgers. One staff member quipped, “You know I never thought I’d say this but even the rabbit tastes like chicken.”

- Special thanks to Richard Le Breton

Beard Competitor Found Cheating

Arthur Stubble was found cheating during a local "No-shave-November" contest in which the contestants attempt to outgrow each other's beards.  

Stubble's wife, who dislikes the competition, found him applying a hair-growing serum to his face.  "I just couldn't stand it anymore," she said.  "Just growing a beard was bad enough, but cheating?  That was just too barbaric."  

The serum was created by research scientist Austin Chin, who claims that his serum was only meant to enable men to grow beards who weren't able to before.  "I had no idea that it could be used to cheat somehow," he said.  

Stubble was disqualified, but the competition was hairy.  Hans Whiskers was declared the winner.  "I won by the breadth of a hair," he said.  "It was a really close shave." Photographs of the winners can be found online here.

Editor's Note: All characters in this article are fictitious, as is the competition in "No-Shave-November."  The World Beard and Moustache Competition and "No-Shave-November" itself are real.

New Years Polenta Assault

The traditional New Years day Polenta dinner at the Calzone family turned into a meatball massacre, when a careless guest tried to spear a meatball from the center of the Polenta board.
Not having been educated in the proper rules of Polenta board etiquette, Ms Smith, of Parma, unwittingly committed the ultimate faus pas. After consuming the meatball in front of her, she casually reached for another which rested approximately one foot toward the center of the board. Any Italian knows that one must eat their way to the next meatball, never reaching across the Polenta for one.


From out of nowhere Papa Calzone sprang at her with a fork, in an attempt, to teach her the finer points of Italian tradition. Narrowly missing her hand, he harpooned the meatball to the Polenta board. Chaos ensued. Needless to say, the hapless guest, headed for the nearest exit.


When asked why she did not call 911 regarding the assault, she simply said, "I've seen all the Godfather movies and have no desire to wake up one morning with a bloody meatball under my sheets!"

Sad Play Causes Big Stink Among Elderly

Diapers were flying last Tuesday evening during Detroit's 5th annual "Play In The Dark", put on by Whimsey Bros. playhouse. The debut show, "Two Silk Scarves and a Woolen Mitten" by proctologist turned playwright Morgan Tweedling opened to a full house, but all quickly turned to mayhem as the elderly demographic in the audience "commenced to rip bits of diaper from their bundled rears and sop up their wet faces," Tweedling reported.
As 74 year old Dorothia Wunderlich put it, "The tears were streaming. 'Two Silk Scarves' was reminiscent of my childhood days. We found no tissues, so we reached down at our asses."
Tweedling's concerns went beyond a mismanaged play. "It extends deep. I guess my heart is still in proctology because my frustration lies in the thought of raw torn diaper rubbing against the thin and mottled skin of those aged rectums. Not to mention the diaper-to-face "shit-eye" some of them must have contracted. But that's for an optometrist."
Detroit clean-up crews worked overnight and well into Wednesday, mopping up the proverbial shitstorm.

Pohling Pulls Plug on Online Poll

“I just wanted it to stop! It was fun for years and years, then one day I realized I had an endless loop of the grainy video tape playing in my head over and over and over,” Mitchell Pohling reflected. “I remembered that The Neverending Story was written by Michael Ende, so I wondered, what if he changed the last letter of his last name from ‘e’ to ‘s’? You know, set up a vibrational pattern allowing at least the possibility of a conclusion. The Neverending Story Ends. So, yeah, I set up the online poll, you know, to see how the public might feel about it. The results were surprising. I never meant to deceive anyone, though. When I found out that Ende died way back in 1995, I pulled the plug on the poll right away. It’s just too late. A posthumous name-change is never gonna happen.”

Pohling, ever-ready to share his opinion, is a certified survey addict. Hoping for telemarketers, he keeps the phone line clear during the dinner hour, seeks out clipboard-totin' aggressive types at the mall, and dreams of someday joining the Gallup guard. An election year is pure heaven.

“Oh yeah, and another thing,” Pohling added. “Seems Michael Ende had some interesting ideas of looking at the world, money-wise, that is. How about The Neverending Prosperity? Would that be a story to see again and again? Vote 'Yes' or 'No' on my new online poll . . ."

Jello 1-2-3 Causes Riot

The Higgledy-Piggledy Market of Macon, GA saw a near riot last week when the last known case of Jello 1-2-3 was spotted on a stocker’s pallet in Aisle Eight. Jostling for position, Wanda Stephens called out, “I’ll buy the whole case, y'all – I saw it first!” She was soon outmaneuvered ‘quicker than a 1-2-3’ by Kimmy Potter who waxed nostalgic as she elbowed Wanda aside, “My Mom always made this for me – it was my favorite!” Within minutes security personnel responded, dispersing the clamorous crowd.

Made popular in the ‘70s and edged off grocery shelves in '96, Jello 1-2-3 was a fun dessert snack that separated into three layers upon setting, the topmost layer pure fluff. This reporter remembers her sister surviving on the stuff during a bout with mono in ‘72. A Boomer-groundswell of support for this triple-treat may see a ‘new and improved’ version before year’s end.

Manager Floyd Beckheiser, seen hugging the case of 24 on the way to the safe, bragged, “This is pure gold! We’ll be posting this baby on Ebay!” Early estimates suggest the bidding will far exceed the symbolic opening price of $1.23.

This Just In: Newest DP Assignment !

Hello friends ... family,
Our next assignment should utilize humor. If you don't want yours to be funny then it can be serious. No worries.
Take a topic from your imagination and create a news article about it. Write the headline, and the body of the article. It doesn't have to be long, as a matter of fact, this assignment can be completely up to you as far as how much you write. You can write one, or ten funny headlines if you want - and leave out the body of the article entirely. Or you can write one long and serious article...whatever goes, goes. Here is an example of one I wrote the other day. Please bear with me! LOL. Inspired by the kind of writing done for The Onion. Visit their site if you want to search the archives of articles they have:
http://www.theonion.com/content/archives/30/838872000/1225512000


Wiccan Landlord Accepts Only Moon Purified Rent Money

Several tenants of an East Chicago duplex have reported that their landlady has not been accepting checks or money orders now that she has become a Wiccan. The Illinois native, Kattie 'Crowfeather' Willemson, claims she can't process them because her bank sits in a 'cosmically congested' part of town. As of three months ago, she accepts cash only - as long as it's been purified by the moon. Community college student Chad McGibbons says "It's frustrating...so many of us are students. We've got jobs, exams, families and friends. I don't know about the phases of the moon and if it's 9% crescent." Willemson has reserved her garden, named Gaia, for the tenants to perform the ritual. "I think it's weird," McGibbons told reporters. "My friend's think I'm nuts to actually follow along...but I gotta say the apartment is really nice. And Miss Willemson makes a mean cabbage soup."